When it comes to picking partners in relationships, if you’ve ever wondered why there’s a contradiction between the partners people say they want versus the ones they actually choose, you’re not alone.
In the Livescience article The Truth on Whether ‘Opposites Attract’ written by Sally Law, she reports on a new study (PDF) in the journal Evolutionary Psychology which asked 760 online dating site members about:
- Their own personality traits
- The traits they wanted in an ideal long-term partner
- Whether or not they most wanted a partner who was similar to or different from themselves.
“…
as it turns out, most participants actually wanted someone like themselves
…”
As it turns out, most participants actually wanted someone like themselves (as determined by a complex statistical analysis that was enough to have me reaching for the nearest bottle of alcohol) … but 85.7% claimed to want someone who complemented rather than mirrored them.
Now the attraction to similar personalities makes a lot of sense, of course. The better you get along with another person, the more likely you are to stick together, have kids, raise a family, and so forth. No big shocker there!
But this is interesting: the study found that people seek out someone with whom they’re already similar — they don’t simply “grow to love another” over time. In short, if you and she don’t agree on anything or get along too well in the beginning, it’s unlikely to improve.
That might have a direct application in your life right now. Don’t keep chasing (or even dating) the same girl if there’s no chemistry. Find someone new with whom there really is a spark of compatible interests.
Don’t believe me? Hey, it’s science talking!
What Women Want
In this study, women typically wanted a more conscientious, less neurotic and more extroverted partner than men. They indicated they pretty much selected for men who were both reliable and socially dominant.
And men who meet that ’socially dominant’ description are typically self-confident and authoritative: they know what they want, aren’t shy about letting the world know what they want, and then go and get it.
That doesn’t mean being a merciless dictator, of course. It’s quite possible to be a good and confident leader without making everyone else scurry around in fear. In fact, one of the marks of real strength is being courteous and gentle with those who are lower down the totem pole than you.
And if you’re the one who seems to be at the bottom of the totem pole right now (even the guys in the mail room don’t return your calls, and the neighborhood stray cats go out of their way to pee on your morning newspaper), you’d better start developing some skills and begin climbing.
But Why Do People Claim They Want
Someone Different In Relationships?
There was of course one major “WTF? moment” in the study.
The stated, conscious preference for someone different is a bit more tricky to figure out when people are subconsciously indicating they want someone who’s the same as them.
The authors suggest that one of the reasons opposites are claimed to be attractive is economic differences (the “young pretty cupcake gets together with the older sugar daddy” syndrome) or rejections of sameness to avoid inbreeding.
But here’s what I think is the real reason: Pieternel Dijkstra, a professor at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands and the study’s lead researcher, claims that, “When asked about their preferences for a mate, people may partially draw upon lay theories of romantic attraction rather than their true desires for a mate.”
Translated from science speak: people enjoy fooling themselves about what they really want, which explains a lot of the conflicts and frustrations involved in finding someone you actually get along with.
Love certainly is blind, isn’t it? Hopefully, articles like this one will get you started on a more rational path for selecting the women you want to have fun with.
Women Are Fussier:
It’s Science!
And there’s more: “there were no particular traits that men seemed to prefer more than women,” Dijkstra told LiveScience.
So yes, it’s true: women really are fussier than men. They have higher standards and expect more. Also, water is wet, grass is green and the economy is screwed.
The moral of the story is:
- Find someone you already have a lot in common with, personality-wise, while
- Realizing that she’s going to apply far higher standards to you than you to her.
“…
but that applies just to long-term relationships, of course.
…”
But that applies just to long-term relationships, of course. If you’re after something simpler and more short-term instead, then consider pursuing the most contrasting personality type you can find.
After all, the beauty of this highly-scientific result is that now you know in advance it won’t work out when you’re lusting after attractive but oh-so-wild girls who are completely incompatible with your own values and beliefs.
No heartbreak is possible because you’ll understand ahead of time that it will be a magnificent, unmitigated disaster of potentially biblical proportions if you try to live with her or marry her. Hallelujah! You’re saved!
Until next time,
-Nick Thomas
