The idea of still masturbating after marrying strikes a lot of single men as being quite odd. They perceive masturbation as a “make do” solution to not having a woman who will have sex with you. But if you can get the real thing, why would you still want to use “the self-service pump”?
That would be like owning a Gulfstream V private jet but deciding to fly economy class instead on one of the “low frills” airlines. Or having a chauffer-driven limousine at your beck and call but deciding to take the bus instead.
It’s simply not logical, at least not at first glance.
“…
it’s simply not logical, at least not at first glance.
…”
Therefore, single men are likely to find puzzling the recent “Dear Prudence” advice column (posted on the Slate website) which was entitled “Stroke of Midnight” (and subtitled “My wife is intimidated by how often I pleasure myself”).
We’ll focus on the letter from “Illicit Self-Lover” (to which Prudence then responds), as that’s the more telling part of the column from our perspective.
In that letter, the writer is a man who has been married for seven years and who masturbates every morning and again every evening (except on nights where he thinks his wife will have sex with him).
He frames his problem this way:
“The problem is that my wife sees my masturbation as a declaration that she does not please me, which is not true. I enjoy our lovemaking, and I’d prefer to make love to her as often as I masturbate; she’s simply not interested in doing it that often. (Believe me, I’ve tried.)”
As it turns out, the problem is a bit deeper than that:
“… she complains that I ‘take too long’ and says she would be more willing if I were ‘normal’ and didn’t last so long. My wife also has suggested there is something wrong with me for wanting to make love or masturbate as often as I do.”
But lest you think him unreasonable, he’s not asking for much:
“I accept that I’ll never be able to make love to my wife as often as I would like, but how do I convey to her that masturbation is normal and that she shouldn’t see it as evidence that she’s inadequate?”
Yikes! Where shall I begin?
My first observation is that this is not a “man bites dog” story. I’ve seen similar letters in advice columns pretty regularly since I was just a kid, and I suspect they were commonplace even before then. And many of the married guys I know will admit to masturbating now and then.
“…
truth be told, I did the same during my marriages
…”
Truth be told, I did the same during my marriages.
For that matter, I’d wager that the wife in this story masturbates as well. And that may well be why his wife isn’t much into sex. A high percentage of women I’ve met turn out to own at least one vibrator … and use it on occasion.
Another observation is that their sex drives seem enormously incompatible … did they not take each other for a “test drive” (or several dozen test drives) before they married? If not, they certainly should have.
And they’re still married after seven years of this? Why???
My guess (based on marriages I’ve observed over the years) is that she may well have been accommodating prior to marriage and perhaps also for the first months (or even two or three years) of the marriage. But she now no longer feels the need to feign interest.
The column doesn’t mention whether they have young children, but that could be a very big reason why he hasn’t already walked away permanently. If that’s the case, then “putting up with an unsatisfactory sex life” and “still getting to see his kids” are something of a package deal for him.
The harsh reality is that guys who have been married for quite a few years to a woman who no longer satisfies him (or who never satisfied him in the first place) have no good options …
There are just different degrees of lousy options
And since he’s unable or unwilling to play hardball with her, he does what most guys seem to do under the circumstances: become passive-aggressive.
He plays the martyr card (”I accept that I’ll never be able to make love to my wife as often as I would like”) and asks Prudence how to convey to his wife that “she shouldn’t see it as evidence that she’s inadequate?”
What he’s really saying is that “I want her to read between the lines and to conclude that my masturbation is proof that she’s inadequate!!!”
He seems like quite a weenie to me, so maybe they deserve each other.
Stay tuned,
-Mack Doppler
