I recently ran across “Should Couples Sleep in Separate Beds?” (written by Gwendolen Fairfax for the DivineCaroline™ website), and decided to offer my own observations on this topic. The author states that:
“Sleep is the quintessential ‘me-time,’ and most people know exactly what they need in order to get the best rest. Therefore, it seems particularly cruel that fate has paired me with a bedmate that snores incessantly and tears off the covers. It seems like some final, terrible relationship frontier, but I think we may be ready for separate bedrooms.”
She goes on to say that:
“A study by the National Sleep Foundation found that about 24 percent of couples sleep in separate rooms and many couples who choose to sleep separately are reluctant to discuss it, fearing that people will assume the worst about their relationship. And some couples aren’t satisfied with separate bedrooms - they need separate houses.”
She gives some examples of the latter (couples who chose to live in separate houses), one of which was Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. And if that doesn’t raise a red flag for you, it ought to … their subsequent breakup seemed exceptionally venomous, even by the usual show business standards.
The real reason it happens
My viewpoint is that couples who don’t enjoy sharing the same bed almost always have a lot bigger issues than just that, with the “not wanting to sleep in the same bed” being a symptom rather than a cause.
That’s been the case in every situation of this sort that I’ve been privy to. And in the large majority of them, it was the woman who insisted on separate sleeping arrangements rather than the man.
The obvious question that comes to mind is, “Did the couple never spend the night together before getting married? If not, they should have. After all, would you buy a used car without first taking it out for a test drive?
So why wouldn’t you adopt the same mindset to making the far more important decision of picking your life partner (and in the process putting the majority of your lifetime income at risk)?
Yeah, yeah … I know. That’s not a romantic way to look at marriage. But you’re taking a huge risk if don’t find out first how compatible you are in bed (both during sex and also the part about sleeping together afterwards).
Be a realist
More likely, the couple did spend many nights together before getting married and the now-wife had never raised the issue before they married.
Nor did she decline his hand in marriage.
It may be that she recognized a problem (or many problems) but didn’t mention them, out of a fear of chasing the guy away — especially if she’s getting up there in years and is getting very few offers.
“…
once married, she then begins trying to change him
…”
But, once married, she then begins trying to change him. In other words, she finds the best deal she can get and then, once it’s too late for him to back out, she tries to renegotiate the deal.
But there’s also a second dynamic that can come into play in this area. It may be that the couple had been fine with each other at first but over time he begins to get on her nerves. And over time, mannerisms that didn’t especially bother her before now come to really grate on her.
What’s going on there?
She’s in the process of disconnecting from him. The pattern of her mate’s quirks starting to really get on her nerves is the most reliable marker we’ve seen that she’ll be leaving him in the next year or so.
Why is that? We believe that the dynamic is a bridging one.
“…
the pattern … is the most reliable marker we’ve seen that she’ll be leaving him in the next year or so
…”
When a woman first meets a guy (and especially if she marries him), she’ll talk him up among her friends and family. After all, her status (desirability as a woman) is directly correlated to how great a guy she can attract.
So she’ll talk him up because doing so is her way of impressing her family and competing with her female friends. And she may even convince herself of his wonderfulness as well.
But few things in life last forever, and “romantic love” is especially prone to decay over time. It’s nature’s way.
Therefore, it’s likely that she’ll eventually end up dumping him (as women are far more likely to dump a man than vice-versa). And this means that she’ll have to define him as being a lousy catch when that time comes, so that her dumping him will still garner the approval and support of her family and female friends: “You go, girl!”
In effect, he had to have been a great catch when she married him (to show that she could attract a top-quality man) but a lousy catch when she dumps him (to justify her taking the money and running, but being able to paint him as being the bad guy).
So, guys, if your snoring never seemed to bother her when you were young lovebirds who couldn’t keep your hands off each other but now she’s grumbling that you snore and she wants separate bedrooms, there’s usually a simple explanation:
She’s “lost that lovin’ feeling” … and chances are good that she’s already keeping her eyes open for your replacement.
Stay tuned,
-Mack Doppler
