I ran across an article on the AlterNet website some time back titled “Why Men Fake Orgasms” which was written by Elizabeth Black and was dated December 23, 2009.
She lists six of the most common reasons that men typically give for faking an orgasm and notes (correctly) that these are pretty much the same reasons why women fake orgasms as well.
That shouldn’t be a surprise, as both genders often end up being unable to attract “the hottest of the hot” and as a result they end up settling for the best that they can get.
And that “consolation prize” may not be particularly exciting, especially compared to some of the unattainable eye candy which they see sauntering down the street every day.
That’s one reason why women close their eyes during sex and imagine that they are having sex with, say, Justin Timberlake rather than with the guy who is actually in bed with her.
And for the same reason men will often fantasize during sex that they’re making love to someone more exciting than the woman they’re actually with.
Why Not Just Be Honest?
So far, so good … but then Ms. Black begins wondering about what sorts of pressures men must be under which compel men to “fake it” rather than just say telling his partner candidly that he wants to stop having sex.
If you’re a man and are reading this, you probably already know the real answer to that question: (1) “faking it” avoids creating an ugly drama; and (2) it also reduces the chance of the woman in question deciding not to sleep with you again in the future, if you still can’t find someone better.
The “Patriarchy”???
Oddly enough, though, Ms. Black came up with a different answer:
“So what’s to blame for such dismal sexual experiences? Patriarchy, of course. Sexuality under patriarchy has long been known to penalize women.”
She continues:
“Bombarded with pornographic images, commercials touting erection-enhancing drugs like Viagra, and magazine articles about how to keep thrusting until she screams for mercy, men are under a tremendous amount of pressure to come hard, come fast, and give their partners orgasms so intense that plaster falls off the walls.”
Let’s think about that for a moment. Women fake orgasms even more often than men do and women list the same handful of reasons for doing so that men list.
Therefore, if men fake orgasms due to “the patriarchy” and bombardment with “pornographic images”, it would make equal sense to say that women fake orgasms due to “the matriarchy” and bombardment with boy bands and romance novels.
A More Plausible Explanation
The reality is that men lie to women – and women lie to men – for pretty much the same reason: because they expect their partner to react badly to the truth.
And why would they expect this to be the case? They have prior experience of seeing such adverse reactions in similar situations. And they can sense insecurity in their partner by the sorts of things that their partner asks them.
Personally, I’ve found that women’s willingness to be honest with me grew over the years in tandem with my own ability to “handle the truth” without my engaging in histrionics or otherwise reacting badly. And that is equally true in reverse.
If women were faking their orgasms with me, therefore, it would be mostly my own fault.
Teaching Your Partner to Fake Orgasms
After sex, have you ever grilled your partner about whether she came (and, if so, how many times)? If you did, then you were teaching her to fake orgasms with you.
The problem wasn’t her (she was behaving rationally under the circumstances) … the problem was you (for being so demonstrably insecure).
I grilled my partners that way early on when I was starting out and the results were predictable: (1) women in order to avoid a scene would assure me that they did come; and (2) many of them also moved on to someone else who was much less insecure when such an opportunity presented itself.
It works similarly in the opposite direction: If men are faking orgasms, much of the blame would fairly fall on women for not being able to “handle the truth”.
But there’s no mention of that in Ms. Black’s article … “men faking orgasms” is seen as being just a culturally induced male defect.
If the idea of her partner faking an occasional orgasm upsets a woman, she’d do better to look closely at the signals that she is sending him rather than bemoaning “the patriarchy”.
The first, she can change … the second (assuming that such a thing does actually exist), she can’t.
Stay tuned,
Mack Doppler
